Medicine
by MarySueIsDead
Summary: Where was the medicine for my hurting heart? Where was that ridiculous contradicting boy that I so craved?


_**Medicine**_

 _ **Written by MarySueIsDead**_

 _ **Originally posted March 18th, 2012**_

 _ **XOXOX**_

Vitello's Flower shop was on my way to work every morning. It made my esophagus tense up every time as I tried not to glance my curious blue eyes over and peer inside. Because through all the pink tulips and red roses presented behind the glass window would be his scrumptious face, and I knew that my abdomen would involuntarily scrunch in unbearable angles. However, this day I took a detour.

As I woke up this bleak morning, to the maddening beeping of my phone's alarm clock, and also to the agonizing compression in my ovaries, I remembered I had a bottle full of wondrous pills that would take this inconvenient pain away.

A tear almost spilled from my dry eyes, but instead I flung on some unkempt clothes, grabbed my cars keys and cowboy cigarettes and headed down to the murky waters of the City Lake; indifferently brushing away this feeling of unease.

I stuck one of those filtered cancer sticks between my chapped lips as I parallel parked on one of the old beat-up avenues of Hillwood and crossed the street to step in the gooey mud that led down to the grimy shore.

Sitting on the splintered carcass of a large tree that had cracked in half and fallen over some ages ago, I lit the cigarette, took in a lungful of glorious smoke and set my eyes upon Elk Island as I blew away a second of my life. My lady organs were starting to feel better by now, but no pain killer would've been able to ease the agony in my heart. Cheesy, I know, but it was an appropriate analogy.

I always took this detour when I felt like it was a day that couldn't be suppressed underneath all my emotional crap. It was so quiet and peaceful out here. Kids didn't come out and play in the mud anymore, with their parent's overanalyzed phobias of catching AIDS or some other obnoxious disease.

It had only been two months. Two sweet and succulent months that we dated, but it was enough. As if I already wasn't captivated by him, now it was almost intolerable. Yet I still sit here and always ponder how I muster the courage to go on. Maybe it was because I was older, I had learned somewhat to deal with the crazy contours of life. And of course, I owe everything to Dr. Bliss' countless sessions of brainwashing therapy.

 _Oh how that sulfurous and acidic heart grew two sizes the day that a certain football headed young man asked her out to coffee. He was heedlessly sweeping dirt off of the sidewalk outside of Vitello's as she walked home from work. Immensely tired from dealing with idiots all day at the J-Mart, cashiering for rent and food. She rather liked walking and it saved a butt-ton of gas money._

Memories like this, seemed to make the world flutter away. As I pondered back to the feelings of excitement, giddiness, and most importantly happiness. They were almost so inviting I could get lost in them for hours. His alluring grin, entrancing emerald eyes…and for a second that day, I felt as if they belonged to me.

I sniffled quietly as if anyone else was around, even though I knew no one was. " _Godammit…"_ I made sure to take a deeper inhale this time of tobacco, wishing the smoke would caress my eyes and dry the brewing tears.

Arnold smoked as well, it was one of the things that drove us socially. Shit, the whole gang went to the same college. There was only one movie theater in town. It wasn't unusual if he and I went to go see a flick, then stood outside the cinema once it was over to have a cigarette, and four of our friends would stroll out and join us. Hillwood was smaller than we all thought.

We didn't dabble much in pot, weed, whatever you wish to call it. Sid, Stinky and Harold were the biggest stoners we knew. I was never too thrilled when Arnold needed a new roommate and Sid had moved his quirky-ass in. Gerald had moved out of Arnold's apartment and in with Timberly to help out with baby-daddy issues, and I resided in a dorm at Washington State, where most of us went to college.

As if it wasn't bad enough that I had to see him happily sweeping leaves outside of Vitello's every morning, it was worse when I would see him walking around on campus. He would always stand outside the perimeter of the dormitory, waiting with a huge grin and an anxious arm to link mine with.

He was a Criminal Justice major, Religious Studies minor. He talked of things being righteous in the world of law. Principles of justice and compassion at the same time. I secretly thought and feared it would eventually eat up his heart, but I didn't dare tell him that. I wanted to support him.

There used to be a time when, as much as he would banter on about fallacies of religion, and the injustices of the courtroom, I could make him forget it all. Whenever I was over at his place, accomplishing homework was a scarcity. Guess I was somewhat of a distraction.

One day, I commanded that he get some goddamn homework done, and with a chuckle and a withdrawing smile, he went to his room, closed the door and studied. The shitty thing was, I could only play video games with Sid for so long. I never really liked that kid.

 _He was lying upon his air mattress which resided on the ground as I creeped in. Reading a book and playing Pink Floyd on his stereo, he looked up curiously. I was pleased he was doing his homework, but forty five minutes with Sid was all that I could stand._

 _I laid down beside him, affectionately placed my head upon his shoulder and wrapped an arm around his waist. He smiled and maneuvered his free arm around me._

" _Whatcha reading?" I asked as I winced at the small pages he held before his eyes._

" _Megh, just criminal justice stuff." He responded as he flipped a page with his thumb and began to casually rub my side with his free hand._

The memory faded and I nonchalantly flicked away the filter of the cigarette with my finger; it bounced into squashy mud below. I stared at the fiery cherry dwindle out, my eyes eventually drifting back out into the lake's captivating darkness.

I never asked him why he was so diligent on religious studies. With enough knowledge from Bliss, I expected it had something to do with his lack of parents. For I didn't imagine Arnold believed in a god.

I knew he loved his Grandparents dearly until the day they died, but with his interest of sciences in high school and the lonesome ache he had gone through with bystanders comments of 'orphan' (my idiotic father, playing a part in that), I think the two meshed into somewhat of an atheism. Not that I cared. I didn't consider religion or politics playing such a role in love.

" _Pink Floyd sucks." I stated firmly with a coy grin, pulling his torso closer and he scoffed loudly, quickly slapping his book shut and looked bewilderingly at me._

" _What?!"_

 _I let out an argumentative laugh. "They're so college kid cliché. Not to mention stoner cliché too."_

And with a few light quarrelsome discussions, he changed the music and I was content. However, despite our differences with taste in music, and Arnold's absurd appetite lacking of meat, we practically never fought.

Thanks to Bliss' anger management sessions over the course of my years in high school, and Arnold's already passive nature, we were so comfortable. I suppose he noticed this, as I hadn't bullied him since our Sophomore year. Guess I came to the conclusion that school and my studies were more important than the satisfaction of people's misery…although I secretly thought it was still fun.

Maybe through those passing years of immense healing from Helga Pataki's brutal fists and fierce verbal assaults, he had the inkling to ask me out for coffee, which I'm sure he didn't predict would turn out into a relationship.

From my perspective, it couldn't have been more perfect. His lips were so delectable, his chin so scratchy. I actually offered to shave his awkwardly grown facial hair and with much hesitation he finally agreed. I felt as if young men his age weren't accustomed to shaving every day, at least not properly.

 _He propped his rear upon the sink, and after we lathered his face with this anti-bacterial soap I had bought for him, I took a razor and went to work. His hair was rather ornery. Parts on his neck were growing upward, stubble on his jawline was growing downward. A five bladed razor would have done perfect, but we were stuck with two blades and it had barely gotten the job done._

 _He had washed the specs of blood off of his chin with the soap again, and after drying his face, he looked at me his smile beamed. His skin glowed radiantly and I couldn't help but love the feeling of his silky top lip._

We always seemed to kiss a lot whenever he shaved.

 _Sitting outside on a campus bench, students walking by, bike rack right next to us; somehow we became so interested in each other's mouths. So soft, I had to treasure his lips before stupidly grown hair flurried around them again._

 _A fellow student rode up on his bike and got off to park it in the bike rack, I broke away for a minute to look presentable._

 _I whispered with a modest smile, "There's a guy right behind you."_

 _His eyes didn't leave mine. "So? I don't care." And he pulled me in again to his embrace._

I loved how he didn't care. Not to mention, his hugs were the greatest in the world and many a time he would pick me up and twirl me around for no apparent reason.

Whenever he would come see me at work and ask about my day, he would listen with open eyes and an attentive head nod, as if he was so fascinated with whatever came out of my mouth.

We usually woke up around the same time if I were to sleep over. Both of us completely disgusted by the fact that snow suffocated everything overnight as we would peer out of the window. Usually bringing him to take the bed comforter and drape me as his snuggling captive again.

He would wink at me as I sat in his truck and he scraped ice off the windshield and as he dropped me off at work. However, he would usually step out and pick me up, trying to put me back into the vehicle.

How did these times escape us? When did the world lose all its love and corny romance? When did I become nonexistent? I never could figure out what changed. Eventually our happy discussions and playful banter would turn into heated debates about nothing.

Literally NOTHING.

" _So you wouldn't care if I left?" I asked into a half-an-hour dispute we were having outside of The Coffee Bean. Shaded by an umbrella, cigarettes in our fingers, I drank my black coffee rather irritated._

" _Would it matter? Would you care if I just disappeared off the face of the planet?" He asked, too calmly for my taste._

 _I was actually fairly horrified that he would question such a thing. But god knew, only a few people could give recognition of my love for Arnold. "Of course I would." I responded firmly._

" _Why go through all that turmoil?"_

 _His tone of voice was too quaint and innocent for all the anger and pain that started to agitate inside of me. I clenched my fist. "Because AR-NOLD, That's living. That's what life is about. Loving. Hurting, then loving a-fucking-gain!"_

Maybe that's why I was so heartbroken. Because he had told me he loved me.

One night when I was lying humbly upon him, it was around three am, and we were both about to drift off. I asked, " _Is it okay...to say that I love you?"_

 _All I could feel was his head hesitate but then gently nod against mine. "I love you too…"_

My memories shifted back to the day outside The Coffee Bean.

" _Life is about making it bigger than the other guy. It's a competition! A purposeless competition." His response cut me again, back into this seemingly endless whirl of reality._

 _I felt like telling him right then and there to go kill himself, but I bit my tongue and looked away from him with stinging eyes, taking in a drag of my cigarette. "You are ridiculous."_

Then why did I still love him when we broke up? Hadn't I left a pessimist in the dark? Hadn't I gone down the lighter road of optimism and self worth?

 **Lila**. Shit, she had a good heart, but naïve as a dead possum under a big black tire. We called them, _Lila's Brigade of Utter Douchebaggery_. The groupies that followed her around and worshiped the ground she strode on. Rhonda and most of the girls hated her, but I seemed to get along with her childish antics…at first.

She had just broken up with Stinky. Said there was no other guy on the planet that she was meant to be with, said she still loved him, said she just wanted to date around a bit, said it was just to make him jealous.

We weren't the best of friends, but we were good acquaintances. She was one of those people that spilled their guts just because you were an ear in range.

The City Lake was memorizing as my memories droned on in a blur. I stood up slowly and walked down towards the sloppy and rocky shore; violent reminisces replaying in my head…

" _THIS. IS._ _ **BULLSHIT**_ _! This is NOT what friends DO!" I screamed at the top of my lungs. Blood had rushed to my face._

 _Lila took a step back with a confused posture upon her brow. "I'm not doing anything wrong! We're just friends!"_

 _I could feel my bicep pulsing out of fury, my fingers curled into a rigid fist. "You are leading him on! How could you be so stupid!?" I turned my head away from her to hide the furious tears welling in my blue eyes. "The world is meaningless, but once a pretty girl walks in, everything starts turning again. Fucking…_ _ **PRICK!**_ " _My gaze shot back at hers and I pointed at her. "You know I still have feelings for him!"_

 _Lila crossed her arms unfairly. "I don't know what to do! I'm just not that mean, Helga!"_

 _As if this conversation actually made any sense. "You obviously aren't using that word in the correct context." I retorted finally as I stomped out of her apartment and ran away in a mess._

I felt hurt. Used. I felt ugly. Betrayed. Arnold used his stupid college education to seem pessimistically elegant about the world, but when reality unfolded, he was still as dense as _ever…_

Somehow I ended up walking out into the foggy waters of the lake, swishing away bubbles and tangled weeds as dark water consumed into my clothes. My shoes slowly churning through the floor of the abyssal pond.

I didn't want to cry today, but I still didn't understand so many things. Why did so much love have to be exchanged? Why couldn't I have grabbed him in time? Both of us slipping into an endless hole, where we'd be together forever. Was his arm out of reach? Had he already been damned to live a life of bottomless emptiness?

I felt my pelvis tighten horribly as I stood out in the middle of the lake, tears streaming down my cheeks. At that moment I wanted to take the whole bottle of painkillers and medicine and shove it down my throat _._

From what I can remember, it started with a headache. Which turned into an unbearable migraine. I hadn't slept all night, tossed and turned in his bed; tried to drown out the pain ringing in my ears as I watched him sleep beautifully. But I couldn't take it anymore; I woke him up. It was five am in the morning, and I sweetly asked my beloved to go run and get me some aspirin, ibuprofen, whatever would kill this ache.

Okay, so it really wasn't that sweet…

" _OH MY GOD! JESUS FUCKING CHRIST! PUT ME OUT OF MY MISERY!"_

So Arnold sleepily put on his jacket, walked out into the thirty degree morning and came back twenty minutes later with a large bottle of aspirin.

After vomiting in his sink from the excruciating throbbing, and taking at least five of the capsules, he had to head into work. He came into the bathroom as I was finishing up, lightly placed his hand upon my back, and quietly rubbed it.

I glanced up at him wearily, and it didn't take long before I fell into his comforting arms. We held each other for a while and he softly pressed his lips against my forehead before he left. Shortly after, I let a hot tap fill his bathtub, dipped slowly into it, laid there, closed my eyes, and became consumed by the deadening feeling crawling into my brain.

I had never in my life had a migraine that bad. Never felt a pain so atrocious I wanted to be put out of my misery. But my beloved was there to care for me…there to take away the ache… where was he now…?

Where was the medicine for my hurting heart? Where was that ridiculous contradicting boy that I so craved?

I drifted out into the middle of the City Lake, staring at the blinding sun above me. Feeling the earthly bubbles hit my back, the moss collecting around my fingers. My eyelids drifted to a close and I took in a lungful of air. Lips pressed tight together I sunk underneath the exterior, only the locks of my blonde hair shimmering at the surface, quick to disappear.


End file.
